March 5, 2007

To you who occupies a special spot in my heart,

Are you surprised? Would you expect that somewhere in this tired heart is a place with your name, and only your name, on it? Would you have guessed? Am I good in hiding?

I’ve been acting like I don't care for the past few months. I may seem as someone who just lets things slide, without having to talk/discuss about it. Have you noticed? Whenever the 'moments' happen between us, (I refer, in my world, to these events as moments) I act like it's nothing special to me.

And I’m sorry if you do notice. I'm sorry if I act like I don't care. I’m sorry if I make you feel that these moments aren't special. I’m sorry if I seem passive about things. I’m sorry if I’m not like any girl you know.

Because that's precisely my point - I don't want to be like the girls you know. The girls who read between the lines too much; the girls who expect and assume like there’s no tomorrow. The girls who rush things and make something small into such a huge of a deal.

In truth, these moments are special to me. I may not react and gush on the outside, but inside I'm leaping with joy. And you don't see it. My face could be sporting a blank expression, but beneath it is a beaming smile. There are times when these moments just play like a movie in my head. And I feel the exact same way as I did the time these happened: pure happiness and bliss. They seem to never leave my thoughts.

I have never experienced something like this before. You should be proud. You’re the only person who makes me happy and normal at the same time. You make me love you in my normal state of mind (not in the boy-crazy state, unlike the others). You’re the only person who I don't go crazy over. Isn’t it ironic? I mean you are good-looking, but I don't have that usual high school-crush on you.

I don't even know how this all started. Do you? When did it start? Did it start way back in high school? Then it stopped for a while when I was involved in a relationship, and you were in one too (pseudo-relationship)?

Did the old feeling come back after I broke up with the ex-boyfriend?

Or did it start when we started to be close to each other? I don't get to see you everyday, but I started developing feelings for you. I don't know the answers actually. Do you? I can't even begin to explain how, out of all the guys in the world, your name found a special spot in my heart. I don't even know what this feeling is. Is this just infatuation? Or is it something deeper?

They say it's something deeper. I refuse to acknowledge that. I’m sorry. I don't want to recognize this feeling yet. I just want to enjoy this feeling for you. Seriously, it is making me happy. In some weird way it is.

And I know you're not yet ready. I know romantic relationships are situated at the far end of your mind, behind all the other things you prioritize. I understand that. I’m not yet ready too. It’s been almost two years. But I can't seem to imagine myself in a relationship yet, even with you.

Why is that so, you may ask? Well, it's pretty simple. I think I’ve changed when it comes to love and relationships. I even told my friends that I pity a boy who'd become my boyfriend at this stage of my life when I am still learning to not be cynical and bitter. I am still trying to bring back, or at least a part of, the old me. I want my next boyfriend to experience what the exboyfriend experienced as me loving fully and whole-heartedly. The old me, who loves without hesitation and doubt. The old me, who takes risks and is not deathly afraid of them.

If God and fate permits us, I want you to experience that. To be the last person to experience that. If they hear my silent prayers, you could be the next. But I’m not getting my hopes up.

That’s why I’m prepping myself up. At least, if 'us' happens, you would get the kind of love you deserve from me.

And what if 'us' won't happen?

It won't be okay. But I can't do anything about it, can I? I would accept it, and move on. But I’d still be happy.

Do you know why?

Because I met someone like you. You who made me see love in another perspective. It’s you who made me think that I can love someone, without expecting any love in return. It’s you who made me believe that one could love and still retain her sanity. That I can be happy just loving a person.

I know that even if things won't work out, you'd still be here. You’d still be a friend to me. And I am more thankful if this would happen, than if we had a relationship that ended badly, and we wont go back to how we were before.

Thank you. Thank you very much. You are indeed my wonderwall.